I am aware that I haven't been posting alot lately. This is ultimately because I used my journal as an outlet to express myself, gather my thoughts about my transition, share my experiences and show my physical changes.

I feel like I have come to a very happy point in my life. My chest is healing well, although I think I will need a revision to cut away some excess skin, however, I'm in no rush to do this. I just feel relieved that the hardest part is over and that I can wear singlets and t-shirts with NO binder!

Why I am posting less and less is because I actually don't think about my transition all that much anymore. Which is probably the icing on the cake really. To be physically relieved of a burden was one of the greatest feelings in my life but to now be mentally relieved... it just creates bliss.

I now have all of this mental space to think about so much more in my life. I don't feel as though there are any restrictions or blockages to be able to achieve anything I want for myself. I now go to the pool by myself, I always avoided public places where I needed to not wear my binder. Sometimes I'd just swim in my binder. This isn't fun.

Working out was a private affair. In my shed with my home gym. Which I don't think I'll give up, I quite like the solitude and time to focus on myself without distraction.

I know just how draining transitioning can be. So very very draining. So since my chest surgery I have been doing more than physically recovering from the operation. I've been recuperating my emotions and my mind and thinking great things about where I am in my life and who I have in my life. Suffice to say, I'm very happy.

I do feel as though it is important for me to say that in terms of feeling totally happy within my gender and body, I'm not in an ideal situation. Being trans is something I accept and am proud of, but I think if I had the golden choice of having the perfect male body or being trans, I would choose to be something like Josh Hartnett. But I still think there is beauty within myself and I'm content.

Further to this point, I guess there are times I don't actually feel male. But perhaps it is not as simple has that. Maybe I am having certain thoughts that I wouldn't necessarily identify as male thoughts. This may seem weird. But I definitely think that society constructs gender roles right down to the type of thoughts we have. And I don't like that I catch myself categorising simple thoughts.

But in the end, I may not be 100% male identifying or even 0% female identifying. It's all quite a blur to me. All I know is that to exist in this world as happy as I can possibly be and as effective as I can be, then living as a man and having a masculine body just does it for me.

I feel complete.

But not completely like this though!



but i try! also, this is me 15 months on T

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