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Lately I've been feeling a bit weird. Kind of sad and heavy. Don't get me wrong, I feel awesome about my new body, which is healing well.
My chest is sticking out so I have good muscle definition and this makes me very proud and very happy. The sad and heavy weirdness is attributed to this journey being over now and reconciling myself.
I set this for myself, that once I get my chest surgery, it is over. I wanted that because I want to do so many other things in my life that requires me to not be so self focussed and self obsessed.
I walk past shop windows and look at my reflection and I love what I see, I see the me I always wanted to be. But I also look very different. I look like a man and I look beefy. The muscle I have put on stands out now and it is strange to see me the way I am now. Only 1 & 1/2 years ago I was a skinny runt, I was soft, in terms of my feelings and my appearance. I looked more feminine, but I didn't look female. I looked like a feminine guy. I kind of miss that to be honest. There are parts of me I truly do miss. I don't seem to be able to feel as deeply as I used to. I feel more plateau, and if I was to feel something stronger it is usually anger. Although I haven't been able to exercise and I have just started to ride my bike to work again, which will improve things.
I guess what I'm trying to centralise this post on is the actual transformation I have gone through, who I am now as opposed to who I was then and the notion of almost erasing the person I was by physical transformation. It feels strange, particularly when some people don't recognise me anymore. I mean of course, I wanted to look more masculine, stronger, facial hair, deeper voice, but when it all actually happens it is really fucking weird.... and amazing too.
There are some friends I haven't spoken to for a few years, for whatever reasons, who cares anymore anyway, but part of me wants to talk to them again to be able to reconnect to a time when I was the person beforehand, does that make sense? I want to feel complete and absorb all facets of who I was and who I am, to reconcile everything about myself from the past and present so I don't feel like a brand new person (because I am physically a new person). To be able to achieve this, I feel as though I need to look at my life and my existence from more of an energy point of view, my energy has been shifting around and going through a transformation, I've shared my existence and energy with particular people over the last year, I was conscious about choosing these people and I have excluded others from my life because this year was precious for me and I didn't want to expose myself to them. I have been safeguarding myself. In Melbourne it feels as though the trans* thing is kind of 'cool' and I hate that. But now I want my existence and energy to reconnect with people where I left it and reconcile myself and move forward.
oh my god that sounds so hippy. I am not a hippy.
does this make sense? can anyone relate?
to put it more simply, i need to catch up with some people for some beers and go out this summer and have some fun, I want to know hat is happening in the lives of others and tell people I love them.
Comments
.... I think to a degree. I totally understand and relate.
people from your past and mine may remember the older version of us, but the stronger and happier we are in front of them only displays that everythign has worked for us and that is an incredible thing.
i try to remember to be gentle on myself and look forward to the future.... i reckon you'd be a great friend to have kayden and i'm sure people look in your direction and see the real you.
do you generally feel sad, or do you have your moments like everyone else?
I think that is so true. I have no doubt they do. But I also agree with you that they can't help but to feel happy for us. Happy that we are finally at peace with ourselves.
I finally have started to only have moments of sadness. It is hard to explain really. I use to feel sad all the time, but it now comes in moments. And mostly they are in the form of I wish I was born biologically male... yet at the same time not. (Hopefully that makes sense.)
it does make sense to me that you need to access your past through other people because old friends will always recognise you. good friends will always see you for you.
its a tough one!
but with the huge step of, at that point, my 'final' stage done - it was a bit disquieting to realize it wasn't really the be-all-end-all; that my focus could go elsewhere and i really wanted to reconnect to people but i wasn't sure how to do that anymore b/c i was so 'me' driven. i was finally able to reconnect with myself and my body... it wasn't fireworks and parties it was relief, like coming home from a hard long-ass journey and i wanted to rest and see my friends and share my experiences but somehow forgot how to do that... so it took some time.
it still shocks me years later seeing myself in a picture or catching myself in the mirror (especially at the gym) and i see this muscley man...
anyway, does that make sense?
knowing how to re-connect with people is also what i'm trying to figure out, i'm also trying to find the energy to do so. i'm kind of more happy to be alone these days, which i'm fine with. it drains me to try and socialise sometimes, do you feel like this?
living in a big city melbourne/san fran there are so many people we know everywhere, sometimes i feel over-socialised and suffocated.
it makes sense to think.... wow, who is that muscley man, because we aren't muscle men on the inside.
i'm not an extremely social person, so i tend to be quite content on my own, but it makes sense to want to kinda be a bit of a hermit for a bit... you need some downtime. you've also just had major surgery that will take your body sometime to recover from (even if you can move around etc - it takes sometime to get the kinks out).
things just come in time. i wouldn't push/force anything unless you feel you're really becoming disconnected in an unhealthy way...
but yeah. i'm in my hybernation mode these day... but nothing to do w/ trans stuff - more like 'cold weather and shorter days'!
ps - thanks!
as for your post. obviously i'm quite fresh at the physical transformation part, just past two months on t. i wont have surgery until next year. i can totally see where you're coming from. i feel myself really laying low and focusing on being responsible and really just waiting for changes to set in and getting used to every physical thing that is starting to manifest itself. i feel selfish when i dont completely exert myself to those who have cared about me to let them in all the time but i feel like this next year or so is going to completely reinvent the entire essence i have of myself and i will grow in so many ways, much like you have it sounds like. we are not taught how to process this kind of change and so i feel all of us need to do what we need for ourselves during this important process that many of us have waited so long for.
i think its powerful that you can acknowledge the parts of you that miss the feminine parts of you that were more apparent before. i think its incredibly important to infuse who we were to who we are becoming whether in physical transformation or not because all of us are in perpetual transition whether trans-related or just spiritually, intellectually, emotionally.
instead of thinking that you're at the end of a beautiful road...imagine you just crossed a bridge to another path that includes reconnecting to folks you shared amazing energy with, bringing all of you, mind, BODY, and soul....but especially body with those handsome pecs you have there ;)
i do love your way of thinking about crossing the bridge to meet my friends, i've adopted that now and i'm about to cross it!
thank you.
your chest looks awesome and we should hang out soon.
we'll talk then mate.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I added you as a friend a while back. Feel free to do the same. ^^
i added you.
good luck.
i'll add you.
The 'trans-thing' is super cool here too, as you know, but your transformation is yours, and you know you did it for your own reasons, and so will anyone who knows you or listens to you. If some people can't grasp that, maybe they never knew you in the first place.
-kirby
how are you? how is lil?
thanks for you message, it really touched me. i'm glad we are friends and that we can visit each other in different places in the world. isn't that awesome!
you are right, my past is still me and finding a balance is the key to letting go and moving forward with peace.
thanks again.
p.s. we all miss you!